I am not here to motivate, I am here to elevate!

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Motivation will only take you so far. To make long-lasting, impactful changes in our lives we must be inspired to our core. It is the difference between I should and I must. Making changes in your life is not easy otherwise everyone would be doing it. (I speak from experience here my friends.) We have to get ourselves to the point of we must change in order to make things happen. What I can do for you as a Coach is to work with you to identify the changes that must occur, in order for you to achieve your desired outcome, and what is keeping you from making these changes. If you were able to drop everything today and design your ideal life, your ideal business, your ideal partner what would it look like?

Sparkly Cup

img_2391Today I am drinking from my sparkly coffee cup that I bought from Starbucks in NYC for way too much money, but I had to have it. It is beautiful; black background with silver jewels.

As I sit here on my couch, under a blanket, looking at the Christmas tree and reading Danielle LaPorte’s Desire Map, I am happy. I am at peace because I am doing exactly what I want to do, and dammit I am drinking from my sparkly cup because my sparkly cup makes me feel good! ❤️

I think back to a year ago when I was on this same couch but I was a completely different version of myself. I was working hard and failing because I was trying to be who everyone else wanted me to be. I was miserable, I was depressed, I was angry. It took a lot of deep soul searching, reading, coaching and personal reflection to get where I am today.

I love my sparkly cup because it is beautiful and I deserve beauty in my life, we all deserve beauty in our lives: No one is going to hand it to us. We are going to have to dig deep, work hard and figure out  how to give it to ourselves. Life is self serve and today my coffee is in a sparkly cup.

Live with Grace and Love,

Missy

Mommy Needs 5! 5 Tips For Getting Me Time During The Holiday Season

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Hey Girl, hey!

The holiday season is flush with opportunities to be busy with everything from shopping, planning , parties and overall merriment. It can also be a time filled with anxiety, stress and overall burnout. Here are my 5 self care tips that I employ over the busy holiday season to avoid holiday overload.

1. Take a walk! Bundle up put in your ear buds and walk. The fresh air should be enough to give you some well-deserved quiet time. Depending on how chaotically busy your brain is, this may be a good time to listen to a podcast that speaks to you. Some of my favorites right now on iTunes are SoulFeed, Mind Body Musings and Adventure Knocks.

2. Take a bath or a hot shower! Those few moments of silence and hot water can be just what you need to relax before getting in your cozies and sitting down to watch a holiday movie with the family. Also, nothing feels better than being clean, fresh and warm after a long cold day!

3. Have a cup of tea, coffee, or hot cocoa! The practice of getting a warm beverage in between your hands and zoning out may be just what you need. If you have the opportunity to get away to your bedroom alone for 15 minutes to enjoy it, it can be even better.

4. Call or meet up with an old friend that makes you laugh! Nothing like the holidays to bring people together. The type of friend or friends that I am talking about meeting up with, must be people who are positive and bring ease to your day. This is not the time to call a friend who is full of drama! You will get enough of that while being around your family. Lol!

5. Do Yoga! Yoga can be done in a studio with complete strangers or on front of your computer on YouTube. Studies show that even 10 minutes of simple yoga stretches and deep breathing will reduce stress by 30%. If Yoga isn’t your bag then hop on YouTube and find a guided meditation for stress or anxiety. One of my faves is The Honest Guys, they have a meditation for everything.

All of these suggestions are to help you stop for a minute and be present during the holiday season. The important idea is that you take time for yourself among the holiday craziness so that you come out sane and healthy on the other end!

With Grace and Love,

Missy

Mommy Needs 5! 5 Ways To Set Boundaries and Start Saying No! (Without Feeling Guilty)

img_2275Setting boundaries is essential to keeping our sanity. We wear so many hats as women these days and we are constantly getting pulled in a million directions that sometimes it feels like we may explode. Setting boundaries is a skill that needs to be learned and worked on like a muscle and is just as important as your morning workout. So what does setting a boundary look like and what is so damn important about setting them? Boundaries are like  guard rails on the side of the road they help you and the others around you stay in the lane. Imagine a road with no speed limit, no boundaries, and people are just buzzing down the road at whatever speed and in no particular lane. That would be utter chaos! Quite often our world can feel out of control because we are not aware of what our personal boundaries are and how to set them with the people in our lives. Here are the 5 tips that I have learned about setting boundaries and being okay with it.

  1. Get to know yourself – Knowing who you are and what makes you tick may sound like an easy task, and for some people it is. For everyone else you may just feel like something is not working for you, and is driving you crazy but you can’t pinpoint the issue. When your life is feeling chaotic, get curious. This is a good time to identify what is happening that is making you feel like a crazy lady. One way to do this is to take ten minutes of quiet time and simply write a list. (Yes, you can find ten minutes) Is it the kids, your husband, your best friend, or work?
  2. What is one thing in your life you could say “no” to today? – Have you over extended yourself with commitments? Have you allowed your kids to do something that has been driving you nuts? Are you letting work spill over into your home life? Start small and pick one item that you can say “no” to today and that will free up some of your mental space and/or energy that you could use for something that brings you joy.
  3. Give yourself permission to give yourself a break – Yes, it is okay to make the rules you live by more lenient so that you can enjoy yourself for once. A good example of this is the laundry, it never, ever, ever, EVER ends, so give yourself permission to get into bed a little earlier and read a good book, write in a journal or take a quiet bubble bath with a glass of wine. (I opt for wine and baths over laundry quite often)
  4. Try different methods – You have to see what works for you. When setting boundaries that you have never set before, some people may be surprised with you being assertive. You do not need to go from zero to super bitch (unless warranted) to get what you need. You have to work on different ways of communicating with the people you need to establish boundaries with. When I first started “using my voice” as my husband Lou and I call it, it felt really uncomfortable. I was waiting for him to get mad or disappointed but he didn’t. I quickly realized that I can establish boundaries by communicating calmly, directly and being sure of what I need (refer back to step 1).
  5. Be realistic – Your family may freak out if you go on strike, so please go slow with these changes. Little changes can add up to big changes and one step at a time is a perfect way to collect your little wins until you start to feel like you again.

Live with Love and Grace

~Missy

 

 

Mommy Needs 5! 5 Ways Prioritizing Your Relationship With Your Spouse Makes You A Better Parent

Hey Girl, Hey!

It took me two marriages and a few sleepless nights to get bought into this idea, but now that I have embraced it, I will never go back to my old way of thinking. Your partner must come first before the kids. Yep, I said it. Think of your marriage as a foundation to a house, if neglected it can become unstable. A home built on a cracked foundation will need to be repaired and that takes time and effort. I wish marriage would come with the disclaimer: caution this takes work (oh, and P.S. kids are a ton of work too). Countless older couples that have been married for over 20+ years have always told me this fact. It was not until recently that I could process the thought that anything would be more important than my little angel. The kids come first right? They need me, they should get all of my energy and attention, that is what a good Mom does. It wasn’t until my husband pointed out that after a full day of doing everything I could to be a good Mom that there was nothng left for our relationship. At the end of the day on a scale of 1-10 my energy level was at a -15. He wanted to help and I was not letting him. He saw me pushing myself to the point of exhaustion and he wanted better for me. I was just too damn bull headed to see that help was exactly what I needed. Here are the tips that I have learned:

  1. Think Teamwork! We came into this together and we will be there at the end. This is not a one woman show! For years I would let my daily routine wear me down to the point where at the end of the day I was wasted. My husband would want to see me and talk to me when the day was over and it took everything I had to not curl up and fall asleep. No one ever tells you that when the kids come along you will need to put in double time to nurture and care for them and make time for your other half. The key is to work as a team to get through the daily routine and make the end of the day your time as a couple, even if it is just a few minutes to cuddle on the couch and relax.
  2. When Mommy is happy, everyone is happy! Truth! In my household I am the center of gravity. My mood will affect everyone around me. If I am a hot mess the house will be chaotic. If I am peaceful and happy…you get the picture. I am sure you can relate to this scenario on some level. Look, we are real human beings with a full range of emotions. I am not saying that all days will be unicorns and rainbows, but there are ways that my husband works to support me that make the harder days easier to manage and the whole household is happier for it.
  3. We are stronger than me! Ladies we need to learn to ask for help. This is a point that I have struggled with for years because I wanted to be superwoman. I am not sure where I got that crazy idea but for some reason I thought that was my job in life to be able to do everything for everyone. My husband helped me to see that not only could I lean on him, but he actually wanted me to lean on him and ask for help. We go into marriage not to get, but to give and if you both adopt that mentality there is joy in even the mot mundane daily tasks.
  4. The kids are watching your relationship and learning! Your relationship with your spouse is setting an example of what your kids will expect for their relationships in the future. If they see Mom doing everything and resenting Dad or vice versa that is going to be norm for them. If they see you working as a team in tandem to get through the daily routine then they will adopt that mentality. They are watching, learning and they will model what you do. What do you want for them?
  5. Your spouse is your best friend! Before those cute little bundles of joy it was the two of you. It is certain that one day the little bundles will grow into adults, leave your home and the only person there will be your bestie. There is no reason that you and your other half can’t have a blast travelling down this crazy path called life.

With Love and Grace,

Missy

Mommy Needs 5! 5 Reasons Why We Must Ditch Mommy Guilt

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Hey Girl, Hey!

I have been through the ups and downs of mommy guilt for years. I thought it was a sign of a caring and attentive mother, a mother who had her priorities straight, then I realized that I was focusing my energy on the something that did not serve me or my child. When I took the time to examine myself and what sparked joy in my life, this feeling of not being enough for my child was a pattern I needed to ditch with a quickness. Here are the 5 reasons that compelled me to ditch the mommy guilt and propelled me to let go.

1. She deserves better

Period. End of story. This is why I am here. I am here to love her, laugh with her, have dance parties in the kitchen while simultaneously creating rules, teaching her to be a respectful person and being firm. There is no right way to parent. Life is messy. We can only use the tools that we have and hope for the best. We are all going to screw something up at some point, so it is better to just accept the fact that you are human instead of trying to avoid it. The best example that we can set for our kids is that we are all real people, we all have moments of glory and we all have moments where shit hits the fan. It is better they learn real life from you and see how you recover rather than them learning it from it from someone else.

2. I deserve better

I am worth a life of joy. I am her mother. I am here to be her guide through life, for life. She does not understand martyrdom, she only sees that Mommy is stressed out, sad or angry. I would rather her see both sides of Mommy, the happy carefree, silly, running through the backyard sprinklers Mommy, as well as the tired, burned out and cranky Mommy. I am a whole person with a full range of emotions and she needs to know what reality looks like. It is my job to show her this reality with as much grace as humanly possible. The time we waste feeling guilty takes precious time away from enjoying our babies while they are babies (this includes all ages, they will always be our babies right?). We all know it goes fast and what we tend to forget is that we have a choice of how we spend our time. What will you choose?

3. Limited time with my child needs to equal quality time with my child

I work in sales. I get home around 6:30pm or later some nights and her bedtime is 8:30pm. That gives me approximately 2 hours to get face time with the peanut. That time also includes the bedtime routine, which is easier now that she is older but still takes a minimum of 30 minutes. I used to tell myself the story that I was too exhausted because I worked so hard all day solving people’s problems, so that meant my daughter got the ragged end of a worn out Mommy. Not cool. Our quality time would feel like a series of me barking out orders to get her through her bedtime routine as quickly as possible. The end of the day felt like another job, another set of tasks that needed to be done. I have decided to tell myself a new story. The bedtime routine is our time. It is a time where she can get ready and we can relax, snuggle, read and talk about our day. I cannot choose not to work outside the home but I can choose how I re-enter it.

4. I don’t have to choose between loving myself and loving my child; I can have both

The biggest lesson I have learned is that it does not have to be either/or it can be both. We can choose to love and take care of ourselves and be there for our children. In fact, my child gets the best version of me when I take time to exercise, get a pedicure, sit quietly in the morning with a cup of coffee, meditate, have girls nights etc. This time for myself helps me to reset and refresh. Who wants mean, tired and crusty-toed Mommy anyway?

5. Life is too short and our kids are incredibly resilient

I learned a huge lesson in motherhood when my daughter’s father and I got divorced. The lesson was that my girl is more resilient then I could have imagined. I found that as long as she felt safe, had consistency in her schedule and knew that without a doubt she was loved, she would thrive. She surprised me daily with how much she was able to understand and how complex her feelings were. She was able to adjust to a new schedule of going to her father’s house every weekend and every other holiday. I don’t recommend that you get divorced to learn this lesson, but if you take a look at your daily routine you can certainly find ways to empower your kids to do for themselves. Your kids are amazing and can do so much more if you let them. P.S. This gives you more freedom to relax and enjoy them!

Live with Love and Grace!

Missy

 

 

 

Time Out! Mommy Needs 5!

img_2235Hi All,

I share with my one on one coaching clients the need to stop trying to do everything and be everything to everyone. This do-it-all mindset typically takes us away from what our most important priorities are. Any mother that I have coached, including myself, can agree that her family is her top priority. She wants to be better for them. She wants to do more with them. Hell, she just wants to stop yelling at them all the time! I teach that self-care is a non-negotiable tool for modern woman. We all wear so many hats and have so many areas in which we want to excel that we rarely take time to just be. I am planning on sharing bits of wisdom for the next 30 days and calling it my “Mommy Needs 5” series. My hope is that you take 5 minutes from your busy life to read, enjoy and possibly laugh while reading my posts. Feel free to comment and share your own stories. I would love to hear them! I know I am not alone.

5 reasons my house does not look like a page from a Pottery Barn catalog but more like a tornado just ripped through

  1. I have a kid! What is it with the little ones and dropping little piles of papers and “collections” everywhere? My daughter comes home everyday with glorious “art” and leaves it all over the kitchen island. She also seems to accumulate small collections. She collects rocks from the playground at school which find their way into the kitchen, the bathtub, her room, the laundry and my coat pockets. I also found out in a very unique way last week that she had started collecting dry corn from the cornstalks used to adorn our posts in the front of the house. I always get a bit concerned when she calls me from the bathroom and says, “Mom come here, there is something weird.” I am thinking maybe she had a strange poop or found some oddity on her body. Nope, this time it was a small green leafy stem popping out of the overflow drain hole in her sink. Apparently, sink overflow holes are the perfect environment to grow corn. Yes, I pulled on the odd green stem and kept pulling until I found a piece of dry corn had evolved into a growing plant with a root system in her bathroom sink. Ewwwww!
  2. I get mail! The mail, the never-ending mail. Along with all of my daughter’s “art” and school papers there is never a shortage of some type of flyer, bill, newspaper ad on my kitchen island. I am pretty sure that is not what the island was intended for. Holla if you hear me with this one!
  3. I have a husband! He is a master of what I lovingly call Lou-droppings (Lou is the Hubs) these droppings include socks on the floor next to the bed, random packs of screws and blue tape on the bathroom counter from work, folded up papers, reciepts, pens, and clothes in random places on the floor or hung over the bannister leading up the stairs. I L-O-V-E this man so much and I have accepted this reality as one of his adorable quirks.
  4. I have a dog! Oh, Lucy! We bathe you, we walk you, we play with you and we buy you toys, too many dang toys! She is worse than my daughter with leaving her bones and fuzzy friends strewn about the floor. My personal fave is when she leaves her bone in the middle of the hallway or the path to the bathroom in the middle if the night. It is a blessing that I still have my ankles for all of the times I have stepped on one of these bones.
  5. I have a cat! My cat Frank is literally the coolest cat on the planet. Frank, my 14 year-old Frank, my dear, sweet, fuzzy first baby. Why must you chuck up a hairball or other miscellaneous items that you got into on the staircase so that I have no choice to step in it without warning on my way down the stairs? Also, what the hell did you eat? One poop from you can clear the basement, let alone a room! Love you buddy.

Please feel free to e-mail me at missy@missygrovescoach.com and let me know if there are any topics you would like me to address because this is all for you! I thought you may get a kick out of “Mommy Needs 5” because frankly, what Mommy doesn’t need just 5 frigging minutes a day to herself?